Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
