Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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