I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
