the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
