Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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