I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
