Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
