did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Drake has all the answers
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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