The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
