Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
