just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
