what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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