i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
