Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he was CRYING into my vagina
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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