I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
