need another drink. this is the easiest way
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
