You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Randomize
