He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
