It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
