Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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