he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
