One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
