I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize