But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
