The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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