I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
