Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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