Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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