so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
