Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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