Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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