we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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