My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
