the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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