please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize