Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
