You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
