the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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