I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
