you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
