Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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