I just made out with a guy for $7.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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