I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
