just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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