I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
