someone owes me an orgasm
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
