Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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