your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
