Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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