i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize