dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
