It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
