I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize