I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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