im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm always down for nudity.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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