mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
