If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i think my cat just said my name.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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