I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
